I tried, actually.
I actually tried several times to post a blog! But I kept getting “Error,” time after time.
Chris is deploying.
I won’t say exactly when, for his safety and due to OPSEC rules.
For a couple of months, I’ve refused to allow myself to even think about it. For several reasons, which are:
We just moved here, and I don’t have any close friends here.
I’m incredibly sad about Isabela not being able to understand that daddy is leaving, why daddy is leaving, and why every man in uniform she sees is not really daddy. ( I will be avoiding the base as much as possible, bc she screams daddy every time she sees a man in uniform).
I’m incredibly sad that my love won’t be here. I will miss his presence.
I’m afraid to be the lone parent. I know thats silly.
Holiday season, my favorite time of the year. Without my hubs. It won’t be the same.
But, those are some reasons.
And, you know, its ok. Everything is going to be ok. This isn’t his 1st deployment. I know I’m strong. I know I can do this. I know this.
But, it doesn’t stop my throat from swelling. The tears from coming. The fear of the unknown. My stomach from tossing and turning.
I don’t want our life to change, not like this. I don’t want to try and explain to my 2 year old that, no, she can’t go outside to wait for daddy, because he isn’t coming home for a while. I don’t want to feel that loneliness, in the pit of my stomach, at night….when Isabela is asleep and I’m finally alone, with no one to talk to about my day….or cuddle with.
I don’t want it.
But, this is what I signed up for. Just like when I joined the military. I signed up for this. I knew what I was getting into.
I just thought that with each deployment, it would get easier.
I didn’t think it would hurt so much EVERY time.
There is light at the end of the tunnel…..
I have two new friends. Stay at home moms, like me. Military wife’s, like me.
And, I have Jesus. Lover of my soul. Who offers me a safe haven. Comfort. and Peace overflowing.
Oh, how thankful I am that I can unload all of this on HIM, without feeling the least bit of shame or guilt.
Keep us in your prayers, dear friends. I really mean that. Please just don’t say you will. Please don’t just say you will think of me. Really pray.
2 thoughts on “I tried”
I'm praying for you guys every day, and I'm so thankful that God is good and you are starting to make friends. And what a blessing that you are only 4 hours away! We have never been this close; now's the time to start acting like it!
Well honey. You can be sure that I don't just say that. There are times when I cannot even sleep because of this. And so I pray that God will keep Chris safe and give him victory each and every day like he did for Moses as he led the children of Israel through the wilderness; Joshua, son of Nun as he lead Israel into the promised land; King David as he had victory of the Philistine giant, not to mention the countless victories God gave to Israel. Then there is my favorite, II Chronicles 20 where God gave Jehoshaphat victory over the Moabites and Ammonites. Everyday I claim Psalms 91, Psalms 121 and II Kings 6 for Chris. You did not name Isabela like you did for nothing. There is meaning behind her name. Everyday I pray that she will be protected and that she will have strength and nobility of character and I know that Jesus Christ will look after her and protect her. I pray that everyday He gives you wisdom, knowledge and power in his name. Amen.