The Why’s

I am a creative. There is no doubting this. I don’t need to question this or know the “why’s.”

But sometimes, I do ponder and think about why God chose to speak audibly to me in 2003.

I know that it’s not necessarily important. But outside of being creative, I am also deeply analytical and curious. I find myself always wanting to know “why” and how? ” In this way, I’ve gained knowledge in many subjects, simply because I was curious and wanted to know more.

It’s in the knowing more that I could truly understand, and then learn to apply that knowledge .

This has not always been helpful for me as a creative. When learning guitar, I couldn’t just blindly perform motions. Thankfully, the ones who ended up mentoring me were not only knowledgable enough to answer my questions, but also were able to answer the ones I didn’t know how to ask!

Yes, I still find myself looking back, as a 23 year old young woman, on my daily jog, and calling out a superficial prayer of, ” God help me finish! ” And then hearing, ” I AM here. I’ve been here all along. BUT, WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”

Many people, especially Christians (strangely), have cast doubt on my encounter. And, this resulted in me searching for old journal entries and emails, where I had told all those close to me that GOD actually spoke to me!

“It really did happen!” was the conclusion every time! But…Why?

It wasn’t until this Christmas, where I was able to share my story at a church in South Louisiana, that God opened up my mind to truly understand.

You see, I grew up hearing the words and truths of God weaponized and perverted so that angry and religious elders had control over me and a whole congregation. As a child, it was very confusing. (If you’d like to hear more, I do have sermon notes I would love to share with you.)

But, for the sake of time, just know this: that a legalistic, removed-from-God, religious theology robbed me from knowing the tender love GOD had for me.

It’s no wonder that a church service could not save me. It’s no wonder that all those sermons meant nothing to me. For, it had been embedded in my heart that I was evil, already going to hell, and that the cross had no power to save me. Instead, it was the RULES….This is what would save me.

And… since I couldn’t follow these rules, I was cast out. My friends were no longer friends, my family, no longer welcome, and my GOD, eternally angry, hard, cold…. dangerous.

As a teenager I realized that this god wasn’t love. And so, my young mind reasoned that since GOD didn’t love me, then how could my own parents even love me?

So, out of the pain of perceived abandonment …..I ran. Yes, I ran. Into the military and into bad relationships; I ran into unhealthy habits, and I ran into a lifestyle that didn’t nurture the image of GOD swirling around in me.

It only made sense that God spoke to me while running. It only made sense that GOD used His own voice to stop me in my tracks, stumbling me over in shock, terror, and crushing shame, and …….

I knew it! I knew instantly that I had been wrong about GOD. You see, all of a sudden, I remembered how I had not only said that I hated God, but how I had mocked those who chose to follow God. On that day, everything was made clear to me…. that I had been a persecutor of God’s character and people. I had every reason to be afraid.

Yes…evil people had perverted God’s words against me so that they could abuse the very ones entrusted to their care. Yes, that really did happen. It didn’t make me RIGHT….But, it was a very valid “excuse” of sorts. Some people will scorn me and remind me how there are no excuses before God (duh). But, you know what?

GOD chose to understand my suffering, to see all that I had done, and despite it all, to still lovingly pursue me as I was running away!

And then, GOD chose to release the healing and revelation that comes from hearing God’s voice!

I remember that I instantly I fell, and as I cried, I felt so vulnerable, scared, unsafe and ashamed. But, God’s tone washed over me like a cool spring on a hot summer day, saying,

” No , beloved daughter. No shame. Don’t you understand? The blame is all mine. I’m taking it on ME. I’m taking responsibility. Because I love you. And you, you are special to me. So special. I am sorry for all you have had to go through. Hear my voice.I am here. I am HOME.”

Imagine that? The King of all creation condescending to not just APOLOGIZE to me, but to take on my very deserved punishment. The abandoned orphan, the proud persecutor, the angry avenger.. This was me!

But when met with the Father to my fatherlessness, the Mother to all my motherlessness, the Prodigal (lavish) Provisioner of all grace and mercy…the Peaceful Pardoner, the Restrainer of wrath..and the Balm to all suffering, the taker of all my shame,

I mean I could go on and on, but in know this……

God rose me up, and I ran HOME, hobbling with a bloody knee, crying, and feeling freed of all my pain, hatred, anger, finally, for the first time in my life, feeling truly loved, forgiven, and SAFE.

The voice of God reversed the untruths that were flung into my spirit. WHY?

God chose to do it that way, to speak to me audibly, because God knew it would take that for me to to come Home.


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