A new season

Today, Chris put a bunch of files on our laptop that he found in several thumb drives.

As I was looking through them, I found some mp3 files and video files of the LifePointe worship team I used to be a member of, and had some fun watching them and reminiscing.

Until….I saw this one video.

First of all, I absolutely LOVE Misty Edward’s song, “You Won’t Relent.” Its beautiful, from scripture, and her voice, piano and guitar sound amazing.

Here it is:

Well, co-worship leader, Nick, and our worship pastor, Robby, also loved the song so we decided to sing it as an offering song.

The offering song is honestly one of my least favorite times to sing during the service. There is a huge difference in leading worship than in singing during the offering, for me. One feels like what it is, a coming together of people to sing praise and worship to God, and the other, while still praise and worship, feels more like a performance, which REALLY intimidates me!

Anyway, practice went great with the song. I felt confident. I knew I could never quite do it justice like Misty, but I’m me and I could only do the best that my abilities allow.

We started the song off great. And let me just say, that everyone except me continued to do great the entire song.

I felt it coming. Right during the first part of the song where you really have to sing out. My voice cracked, VERY obviously. And…from there, it ALL went downhill!

It was really like a train wreck! Horrible! I felt soooo embarrassed. I knew that the first mess up was what started my spiral, too. It was like that one little voice crack kept growing and growing, and before I knew it I was breathless and just out of control, and well….just sounding BAD!

After that song, the worship team usually would meet at the water cooler before going back in to the sanctuary. It’s usually there where we would offer quick words of encouragement, a joke or two, etc. I quickly voiced my disappointment in myself, and my team mates quickly said they felt I did just fine, and they felt like the first presentation of this song went well.

With that said, I went straight to the bathroom and cried! Aghhhhh.

I kinda laugh now thinking about it. Until I watch the video again and feel sick to my stomach!

Does anyone know how bad it feels to mess up in such a visible position? Singing is such a vulnerable thing….and even in a church, people are quite judgmental.

There have been one or two other times when I have wanted to run off the stage crying! I suppose that happens to almost everyone. I saw an interview where Kim Walker, from Jesus Culture related a very similar experience, and she has such an amazing voice! I take comfort in knowing that even the very best can mess up, sometimes!

No one is perfect. Striving for perfection is futile, definitely. Especially, when that drive for perfection alienates us from the things that really matter, like our family….our children…..

A lot of times, the underlying cause for want of perfection is the desire to be in control. We realize that we cannot control everything, so we do what we can to control and perfect the things we can. And, then, when its too late, we realize that in our quest to be in control and perfect, we are really out of control and quite possibly…have lost our minds!

Frustrated..because we can NEVER be perfect all the time, we realize how our drive for perfection is so completely STUPID. My little sister once wrote a blog about this, and compared it to walking on a tight rope….so right she was.

Not everyone will get this, because not everyone is like me. Or my family. Not everyone is a neat freak, or obsessed with organizing and creating places for every little thing. My husband is not like that. My friends aren’t like that! My sister is, though! haha

There are always situations that hit you hard. They make you, or I should say me, say, ” wow, thats really not that important right now!”

I am SO thankful that God continually shows me my shortcomings, and how HE helps me to be honest with myself. Otherwise, I would be a horrible mother, more obsessed with cleaning and cooking than playing and loving my little girl. I would be a nagging wife, all the time!

Where I am right now…..let say this…

My hubs is deploying and other things just don’t seem that important. Instead of worrying about tomorrow, I’m thinking about today. I’m thinking about being a family, doing FUN stuff, laughing, giggling, and being together!

I haven’t really been attentive to housework, because at this point, I don’t care. I just want to spend all the time I can with my family, together, while we can. Even if the kitchen is a mess, and the laundry is piled up, and toys are scattered around the house.

I always will have time to catch up. Right now is not the time.

Right now, I’d just rather not.

I wasn’t really sure where this blog is going when I started. I’m still not!

But I do remember, from past experience, that deployments cause many a revelation. They reveal so much…..

I’ll spend the next 6 months regretting lots of things.
dreaming of having a complete family again.
struggling to maintain the bond between daughter and father
waiting for that phone call….

When I look at those old videos, I feel warm inside. Even when I see the bad ones! They represent a very FULL time in my life. I miss that place, that church, the friends I made, and even our split level house, the first home Isabela knew. I miss the park down the street and the little day to day things we did to pass the time.

What a wonderful season that was!

I wonder what this next season will bring. I know what I HOPE it will bring..what I pray it will bring.

A stronger awareness of what is really important.
A renewed sense of how important verbal communication is.
A stronger foundation of trust.
A deeper love.
A closer, more emotionally intimate relationship with hubs.
A closer more spiritually intimate relationship with God.
A deeper sensitivity to the needs of my young tiny tot.

And much more…..

Here’s to the next season of our life. Although I am not excited to be apart from my hubs, I welcome the challenges this season of life will bring.

I can do anything in the Lord…..the JOY of the Lord is my strength!