I have a well of emotion, that is threatening to overflow.
It feels like a balloon, inside me. Wanting to burst, but not quite full enough.
I can’t just call Chris. I have to wait for him to call me.
And he is my best friend. The only one that I want to talk to, to pour my emotions out to.
I recognize that God is here with me. That he is beside me, NO, that he is holding me.
That I need to cast these emotions out to him. Give him my burdens.
I am so lonely. And I realize that somehow, throughout the years, I have become quite efficient at putting up a wall. At being strong, SO strong, that I refuse to recognize the turmoil boiling within me.
As a child , It was a survival mechanism. I needed to survive.
If I was unable to do that as a child, I would be dead. Not because of anyone else, but because of myself.
I learned how to save my emotions to deal with later. I learned how to be cold and distant, so as to protect myself. I learned how to not dwell in the overwhelming fear I felt for my sister’s life, and how to be a different person, one who didn’t need tears or sadness, or even love, but one who would thrive and exist on sheer will.
As a young girl, I turned to poetry and music to release the mayhem within me.
I didn’t turn to Jesus. My Sunday school said, “ Jesus loves you, just like your own dad. That’s the type of love he has for you.”
And so I made up my mind, right then and there, that I didn’t want that kind of love…that kind of jesus. My father was cold….distant, and I was scared of him, as a child.
And so I was lost for so long.
I joined the military. I was rebuilt. Confident, even stronger. Determined. Happy. I had the first best friends, lifetime best friends, of my life.
No one bullied me, or made fun of me, or ignored me. I was at home.
And then something terrible happened to me, and I was broken into pieces. Recognizing my brokenness, I started going to therapy. I started journaling. I learned how to be alone and okay with it. I recognized and accepted everything that was wrong with me and made the choice to change.
I needed to learn how to be vulnerable. How to open up and step outside of my shyness.
How to lower my defenses and walls.
How to trust and depend on someone.
And I did learn.
Then, I met my husband. I wanted nothing to do with him. He was a fast, crazy partier and I was a more quiet, poetic, artsy ,soul. I pushed him away, and away and away. I told him everything bad and terrible about me. I wanted him to run far away from me.
And he still wanted to know me.
And then I moved, left the country, without even saying goodbye.
And somehow….2 years later, we married. Bestfriends….lovers. Completely opposite, yet completely perfect for each other. What I was missing, he gave to me. What he was missing, I gave to him.
Through a husband’s passionate love, I became even more confident. He tore down my defenses and said, “Alicia, you are worth it! I am NOT letting you go!”
As a child, my grandma used to say, “Alicia, know your worth. Don’t make the choice to accept less than your worth. Be selfish about it, because no one else is gonna be selfish for you. “
If it wasn’t for her….where would I be? Who would I be? I love her so much. I miss her so much.
And, so, through the years, I made unbreakable friendships. Bonds that can’t be broken.
I kept writing. I nourished my soul.
But….my soul, it needed more.
It needed more than human love. More than a release of beautifully put together words. More than a song of tortured emotions.
My soul needed to fall into the overflow. The overflow of rushing, LIVING water.
HE sought me out. HE found me. And I rushed into His arms, I jumped into HIS river, and I never looked back.
And through Him, I know a Love so deep. So unfathomable. One that lives in me and has shown me the depths of the human heart. One that has shown me forgiveness is possible. That Love saves the soul. That the soul is the home of the heart. And that the heart, while protected by the unfailing Love of God, can never be broken.
And so, while I am incredibly lonely, I know that there is still a Love beside me. In me. In the hearts of my friends, who are far away, but so close at the same time.
And while I know that I still struggle with being shy, distant, and at times, even cold….While I know that I struggle with the desire to do all things perfect, to have all things organized and under my control….
I know that the God of my life will intervene in the weavings of my mind, in the strings of my heart and the emotions I wear on my sleeve, and He will REFINE ME, remake me, and mold me to His liking. I just need to let Him. Surrender my will to His.
For that, I am so thankful.
For my dear, sweet, hubs, I am thankful.
For unfailing, life saving, heart changing, love, I am thankful.
Miss ya hubs.