When we found out we were pregnant with Isabela, well, it was simply amazing. After months of trying and negative tests, I finally saw 2 pink lines! The joy I felt was indescribable. For the rest of the 9 months, every day I would devote myself to reading and learning about this growing miracle inside of me.
Everything I read made me want to learn more, and as the end of my pregnancy drew near, I began to prepare for Isabela’s arrival.
I always knew she would be a girl. Even when the first ultrasound determined we were having a boy, Chris and I both had our doubts. No one can mess with a mother’s instinct…no one!
With this pregnancy, it was different. we tried for about 3 months and all the negative tests were so discouraging. I began to feel like I just couldn’t do it anymore. Because every month, I would buy at least 3 pregnancy tests and feel like a failure when they were negative. With Isabela, it took about 6 months, so I knew that getting pregnant would take a while…for us. I just underestimated the disappointment and sadness that a negative test would bring.
We agreed to take a break in trying to conceive….
And then, my bestfriend, Stacy, called me.
“you are pregnant,” she says. “Go take a pregnancy test!”
I thought, “impossible!”
But she was right. And as I stood, staring at those 2 pink lines, tears of happiness flowed down my face! Could it be that I, Alicia, just got pregnant without even really trying? No charting basal temps, no checking cervical mucous, no charting periods/ovulation?
I took the other test. Postive.
I called Chris immediately. We are ecstatic.
that week, I took about 3 more tests. I couldn’t believe it! I estimated that I was right at 3 weeks pregnant…meaning that our baby was just a tiny embryo, just beginning to form.
Still, I wasn’t exactly sure, so my midwife scheduled an vaginal ultrasound for 3 weeks later.
And during these 3 weeks…
I read, devoured my favorite reading material. I dreamed of breastfeeding a tiny infant again, late at night, while smelling her sweet scent. Listening to soft music. Holding and loving such a sweet tiny baby again.
I looked forward to feeling the baby kick. Seeing my stomach grow. Sharing all this with Chris and Isabela.
Every week, I read about the different developments taking place. Wondered about how much hair this one would have.
And although people predicted a boy this time, and even twins….I knew in my heart that I was carrying another baby girl.
And we have a name.
Another sweet baby girl. Oh, how my heart yearns to hold her!
So, I have been waiting for what seemed like an eternity for this week. To see the ultrasound.
And then, the bleeding started. Friday night, right after a great workout with a wonderful friend.
When I first saw it, I was shocked! Terrified! Bright red blood..and I felt a sinking feeling in my heart.
I felt confused….scared, devastated. I immediately called the OB on call , knowing that there was little they could do, but wanting to make sure I did the right thing.
Fortunately, I wasn’t cramping, so they told me to just rest and to come in on Monday. Rest I did.
Saturday, the cramping began. At this point, I just felt numb. I knew what would happen, and wanted it to just be over.
I began to pass small blood clots.
And then, while sitting on the couch, I felt a rush of liquid and something else pass from my body, uncontrollably.
I remember yelling, OH NO, and running to the bathroom. And thats when I saw it. Her. The tissues that held her. I knew, at once, that this was our baby.
Until that point I was calm, tears falling, but no crying. Trying to let myself be at peace with what was happening.
But when all this was revealed to me, I completely lost it. Shaking…crying, devastated at the loss of life that I would never know.
So yes, dear family and friends. We lost our baby, our sweet angel. The miscarriage was complete, and verified by my midwife on Monday. Our sweet tiny angel baby is now in heaven, being taken care of by angels and loved by our Father.
As I write this, I cry. I cry at the loss of life that I never really felt move inside of me.
I cry…because in just 3 weeks, I developed a love for my baby that will never be broken.
And in those 3 weeks, I prayed and thought about our sweet baby almost every single minute of every day.
I became a mother again.
It is true, that I will never know our baby on this earth. I will never hold her hand or kiss her cheek. I will never nurse her. I will never hear that first cry. I will never marvel at the hair on her head or kiss her tiny hands and feet. I will never hold her, breathing in that sweet tiny infant smell. I will never experience life with this sweet baby.
There are so many I never’s.
And they all break my heart. Because before she was even conceived, I was dreaming about her. Praying for her. Wishing for her. Preparing for her.
And so we mourn. The loss of the life, that in just 3 short weeks, we loved just as fiercely as we love Isabela.
And as we mourn, we are healing. Taking joy and comfort in the fact that we will, one day, hold our sweet tiny in heaven. As, that is exactly where she is, safe, and never having to experience not even one day of the pain, sorrow, or struggle that we all endure here on this earth.
And even through this heartache, we are thankful. For our friends and family, who have showered us with love and given us the words of life, feeding us in our sorrow and deprivation.
For Isabela, who brings us nothing but joy, every single day….
For the amazing gift of LIFE
For the knowledge of fragile life really is
For the chance to one day, hold our baby in our arms, again….
We are thankful. Our cup overflows.
4 thoughts on “Angel Baby”
I love you sister.
Oh Alicia, I can't imagine the experience you have had. How profoundly you are able to put it into words. I love you!
I'm glad that I was able to come and visit with you, Chris, Isabela and Buster. I'm glad that I got a chance to go to church with you guys and to play with Isabela and watch her favorite cartoons with her.